Poetry Contest Winner ~ Carolyn Ziel

Anywhere But Here

Now what?
Another prayer
Another meeting
Another anxious phone call 
I try and look up to see who’s up there
And I want to reach out
Arms open heart full and instead I am frozen in time
Asking for what?

Who has made these choices for me?
Twisted and knotted inside and out
This fairy tale is grim

Heavy cold air sinks to the floor
I try and catch some with my inhales
I miss
Only to connect every other breath

It is so dark here, black in fact
I know the light is on somewhere
What am I trapped under?
Heavy, Hysterical, Cold
I am cold or is it the thick layer separating me from the rest of the room?
I feel warmth far away

Wrecked, violent, cracked, scarred, broken
Dysfunctional, ill-equipped to handle this vicious abrupt conclusion
I feel wet trails of salt move down my cheeks
They pool at the base of my neck

I hear the scratching, is it clawing? Scraping?

My nails are broken and fingers cut up Bitten Anxious
Tied down

I can’t move my arms
I can’t lift my head
I can’t open my eyes
I hear the distant sounds again
My brain holds on tight
Pushes away
I can’t breathe
I close my eyes and forget to breathe 
Too deep
Not deep enough
Gasping when I remember
Asking for help
I look out and see the nurse
I try to tell her I can’t Breathe
She places her cold hand soft on my colder arm

Knit one pearl two
Shhhhhh final silence
Dark quiet silence
What is that noise?

Purple quiet skies
Filled with feathers
My head falls back
Lids slowly lift
Heavy lids
Blurred vision
Eyes that can’t see

Anywhere but here
Under this white thin sheet
Under this paper gown
Under this knife

Carolyn Ziel is an entrepreneur at heart. She is currently building an entertainment and publishing company with her business partners.  She graduated from UCLA with a B.A. in English Literature.  Carolyn loves writing and honing her craft daily.  Writing is sometimes challenging and even frustrating, but the rewards are so sweet. 

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